♡

You’re my first choice, my favorite.

Overwhelming.

Title says it all.

I am sitting here, curled up on my chair, thinking, on the brink of tears… What the hell am I getting myself into. I didn’t want a main cast role in hall prod. But why am I in it now. I said I didn’t want top4, but here I am. Kill me, really.

I need you and I wish you were here.

No one said it would be easy.

Taking up hon gen. So many reasons. Actually feel a little lousy about it because I know it’ll be a rather easy job. Really would prefer fin con but… I know I cannot be that irresponsible to wanna do something I know I’ll probably mess up and cause a lot of trouble. So hon gen it shall be, besides, I believe in everything there’s something to learn if you have the right attitude, isn’t it? You can never know everything, if only you look hard enough.

Anyway, having mixed feelings about going overseas. I always hated going overseas because I always feel that so much can change in that short period of time. So much can really change. Imagine if I went during the week that ms passed away. Or I was away when one of my friends needed me. Or I was away when you needed me. I don’t know, it just affects me. I don’t like leaving because I always believe in being there in that moment. I always believe if you’re not there in that moment, you don’t get to see the raw emotion, you don’t get to see the most real emotions that often people can mask up once that moment is gone. It’s in those moments people really really need you to hold them and tell them it’ll be okay, even if they know it’s a lie. It’s the moments. But what scares me most is I’m afraid in that short period of time you’ll see life without me and how good it is. You’ll maybe find someone else that makes you happier without me and decide you don’t want me anymore. Maybe this is all illogical and everything, but it happened before. It really happened before. And I never forgot the feeling. I never forgot the feeling of being replaced and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. Disgusting feeling, the feeling that you’re so easily replaceable. That you once thought you were so special, but it turns out, you were nothing at all.

I sound like I have a horrible childhood. Haha, and maybe my growing up years weren’t so smooth. But it taught me a lot, I don’t know if that’s good or bad. But it stuck with me, all these lessons stuck with me. 

On another note, I can’t wait to go overseas cause I know I need a get away. And I’m hoping it’ll be a good get away.

Was looking through my old blog and found this quote,

So many things I want to say but do not know how.

We went to the zoo yesterday. :) It was a good day. Was gonna rain and it did rain for a bit, but it stopped pretty quickly :) It was so cute how he “oi” all the animals to look at him haha. The monkeys were really interesting, especially the big enclosure one. And the different shows we watched and how that sotong wore his specs and brought his shades along. Blur much, haha. Cute how he always went to stand in the shade. Cuter the few times he held my hand. Went to town for dinner, and he took mrt back with me to kembangan cos I was being so needy cos I won’t get to see him till I’m back from US. It really was a good day, had fun. I spoke in chinese when we were walking in town and it made him laugh. Rare, I rarely can make him laugh. I wish I made him laugh more often.

A lot of things going on now and I’m a bit overwhelmed. Should I take top4? And planning of time table was crazy, it still is driving me a bit crazy. How can I take so many papers in such a short span of time. My mother keeps talking to me about the christianity thing it’s driving me crazy. And all of these I so desperately wanna talk to you about it but I know you wouldn’t be interested/you’d avoid it. I sometimes feels like a burden for having so many problems and wanting to tell you. And how needy I am and all. I want to tell you so many things but I don’t wanna be irritating and bothering you with things that you don’t care for. 

I’m in tears already. Too many people to care for, really too many. And so many things to decide, to plan. I’m only one. So many expectations, so much to do. Can’t wait to get away, I need a little time to regain my sanity.

Need to stop crying. It’ll all be okay.
Anyway, probably gonna run though almost everyone thinks I can’t and shouldn’t. I can do it, right?

Somehow, don’t feel like anyone really knows what I’m going through. Seems like I’m kicking up a fuss. And I know it’s cause I don’t share either. But sometimes I wish people just knew. Knew without having to tell. That’d be nice, isn’t it.

Goodnight world.